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I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

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00:00:24,530 --> 00:00:27,210
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

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00:00:27,670 --> 00:00:31,430
I know I am, I'm sure I am.

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00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:38,769
I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm sure
I am. He's H

5
00:00:38,770 --> 00:00:40,630
-A -P -P -Y.

6
00:00:44,950 --> 00:00:46,950
Quit. Bust.

7
00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:49,150
The liquor's coming. So what?

8
00:00:49,151 --> 00:00:50,339
You're gambling.

9
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:52,599
That's all right. It's not Sunday. We'd
have had the church built.

10
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I think we'd better put the cards away.

11
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Why should we? Why should we act
differently just because he's a vicar?

12
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I happen to respect the cloth figure.

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You also happen to be losing.

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That's not the point. He's a decent chap
and I don't want to offend him. Well,

15
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,119
of course you don't. You're bound to
stick together. After all, the Church of

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England's only the Tory party at prayer.

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We all know what you're praying for,
higher dividends, lower wages, and that

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Arthur Scargill falls down a pit shaft.

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What Archie means, Vig, is that the
church doesn't approve of gambling.

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Oh, yes, well, if it doesn't approve of
gambling, why is he always selling us

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them raffle tickets that cost us all a
fortune every week?

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That's different. That's for a good
cause. For the church restoration fund.

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last time I was in it, it wasn't the
church that needed restoring, it was

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the congregation.

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Oh, chap.

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Oh, no, Vig, I... Hello, Vicar.
Surprised to see you, Vicar, a nice

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like this. You must be low down in the
batting order again.

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Well, I thought later I might just get a
knock, figures.

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No, I thought I'd come in and spread the
good tidings. What good tidings?

30
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Someone in here has won the raffle.

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What?

32
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:55,990
Won the raffle?

33
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What's the number?

34
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135. 135?

35
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I think that's fine.

36
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Here it is.

37
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Oh, that's great.

38
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Congratulations,

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Glover. I'm absolutely delighted.

40
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Yes, it certainly restores your faith in
religion, Vicar. It's a clear case of

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the sun shining on the righteous.

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Here's your prize, Glover. It's £25.

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£25? I think he's going to faint.

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I wish it could be more, but the church
is in such dire need of money, we do

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need every...

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00:02:30,190 --> 00:02:31,240
penny we can get.

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Yes, I quite understand. And next time
you've got some tickets to sell, do drop

48
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by, Vicar.

49
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:39,940
Yes, well, look, I must be running out
of this suppressing engagement.

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00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:41,969
Oh, your turn with the heavy roller, is
it, Vicar?

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Shut up, Vicar. Do you think I could
have a word with you, Vicar? What?

52
00:02:45,570 --> 00:02:47,790
Now? Normally, yes. In private?

53
00:02:48,610 --> 00:02:52,630
What? Couldn't it be later this
afternoon, after Stump's had drawn? A

54
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Yes, certainly, Vicar. Thanks. You're
welcome.

55
00:02:55,151 --> 00:03:00,789
Oh, love, what do you want to talk for
him for, then, eh? Is it a crisis of

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conscience? Have you been having those
impure thoughts again? Certainly not.

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As I told you, Jenny and I are thinking
of getting married, and I just wanted to

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ask the vicar how to go about it.

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How to go about it?

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What makes you think he'll know?

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If you want to know how to go about it,
I shouldn't ask him.

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All he'll tell you to do is play a
straight bat and trust in the Lord.

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I was... I was talking about the wedding
fig.

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There's the bands to be read and the
hymns to be chosen, and someone's got to

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tell Mother. I don't know what we're
going to say to her.

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Just leave it to the vicar, Norman.
He'll sort it out. He's a good man.

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Good man.

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I notice he never speaks to me. He never
speaks to me unless I speak to him

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first. Well, what do you expect? You're
a bloody atheist.

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He should be saving my soul, not
ignoring it. He could be wrestling for

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immortal spirit. You've got to want to
be saved.

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You've got to have faith.

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00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:52,890
Now, my faith is a simple one. Yes, it
would have to be.

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I see it as a cycle.

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There's life and there's death.

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And it's all perfectly natural.

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00:04:01,891 --> 00:04:05,069
There's nothing natural about dying,
mate. You try holding your breath. You

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00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,210
don't worry me, Figgis.

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00:04:06,211 --> 00:04:09,709
Because I know he's up there watching
over us. He may be watching over you.

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certainly not watching over me.

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Of course he's watching over you. If
he's concerned about the fall of a

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surely he's concerned about you.

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00:04:16,791 --> 00:04:18,359
You think so?

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00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,019
Yes. After all, you pulled through your
operation.

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That's true. That certainly had all the
signs of divine intervention.

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00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:26,260
They still haven't found that scalpel.

87
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You know, I've been thinking a lot about
that just lately.

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Why was I saved?

89
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,580
It certainly makes one wonder.

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00:04:33,581 --> 00:04:37,059
You know, I bet you haven't been in
church since you were christened. Oh, I

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00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:41,439
don't think that's true, is it, Roy? No,
it isn't. There you are. I wasn't

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christened.

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But that's terrible, Roy.

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Why weren't you christened, Vic?

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Well, it wasn't deliberate.

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I was born during the Blitz. We couldn't
find a church with a roof on.

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00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,520
We were too busy dodging bombs, mate.

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00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,650
By the time it was over, I'd outgrown me
christening gown.

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00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:01,910
Fancy not being christened. I always
knew there was something peculiar.

100
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,039
There's nothing peculiar in it. At least
I'm not a hypocrite. We all know where

101
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:09,840
that £25 is going, don't we? It's going
to pay off your gambling debts.

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00:05:09,841 --> 00:05:12,019
Don't be ridiculous. Well, I think it's
scandalous.

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Using church money for betting.

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I may not be christened, but I wouldn't
stoop to that.

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You could still be christened, Fig. It's
not too late. I could have a word with

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the vicar. You're wasting your time,
Norman. He's too big for the fun.

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Good news, my dear Figures. Your
stitches are coming out today. What?

108
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Nobody told me about that.

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Are you sure they're ready?

110
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Of course they're ready. I hope you're
right.

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I knew something like this was going to
happen. You've been far too cheerful all

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00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,880
day. Are your hands steady?

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00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:42,459
Don't be such a baby. It's as simple as
ABC. It can't be that simple. I'm not

114
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right down here. I'm not joined up
properly. I'm sure me left side's lower

115
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me right. Come along, Figgis.

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Oh, taking me somewhere where they can't
hear the screams, eh?

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It's times like this I wish I had your
simple faith, Archie. Do not worry,

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Figgis. You won't feel a thing. Why?

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00:05:54,981 --> 00:05:56,399
Is there an anaesthetic?

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Of course there's no anaesthetic. Oh, I
see. We're doing it on the cheap again,

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are we?

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00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:07,180
Are you a religious man, Gupta?

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Oh, yes, I'm Hindu. We are very
religious people.

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Oh, Hindu?

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The way you've been pulling these
stitches out, I thought you might be a

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of the Taghi. Keep still.

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00:06:14,511 --> 00:06:18,669
They're allowed to throttle people,
aren't they, Gupta?

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00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:19,810
Do not tempt me, Figgis.

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00:06:19,811 --> 00:06:22,989
Think it's all right as long as they
don't shed human blood?

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00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:25,809
No, well, you couldn't be a member of
all the human blood you've shed round

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00:06:25,810 --> 00:06:29,249
here. There is no such thing as a Taghi.
It is an ancient cult which died out

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many years ago.

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00:06:30,150 --> 00:06:33,769
Oh, like that idea where the wife had to
hop on the bonfire of her dead husband.

134
00:06:33,770 --> 00:06:36,000
I bet the husbands lived longer in them
days.

135
00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:39,559
There was no hanging about for the
insurance, was there? And no expensive

136
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:40,610
funerals either.

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00:06:40,611 --> 00:06:43,499
All you needed was a packet of fire
lighters and you could both enter the

138
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:44,550
of Nirvana together.

139
00:06:44,551 --> 00:06:48,739
Of course, you believe in reincarnation,
don't you, Gupta?

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00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:49,639
Yes, that is right.

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00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,579
We believe that the way you live in this
life determines how you return.

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00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,710
You could come back as a man or an
animal or even a common insect.

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00:06:55,711 --> 00:06:57,439
Oh, I don't think I'd fancy that very
much.

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With my luck, I'd probably come back as
housefly and get thumped with the radio

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times.

146
00:07:05,130 --> 00:07:06,270
Oh, not so bad, Doctor.

147
00:07:06,650 --> 00:07:07,700
Thank you, Gupta.

148
00:07:07,810 --> 00:07:08,860
I see gussets are in.

149
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,029
What are you talking about?

150
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,770
It's hardly made to measure, is it?

151
00:07:11,930 --> 00:07:15,660
I think you've moved the button too far
across and it's tight in the crutch.

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00:07:15,661 --> 00:07:20,969
Start complaining, for heaven's sake,
Figgins. For heaven's sake, Doctor.

153
00:07:20,970 --> 00:07:22,830
Are you calling on a higher power?

154
00:07:22,831 --> 00:07:24,389
Beg your pardon?

155
00:07:24,390 --> 00:07:25,440
For heaven's sake.

156
00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:29,520
It's amazing, isn't it, how when we're
desperate, we always call on our maker.

157
00:07:29,521 --> 00:07:32,089
I'm not desperate, Figgins. You would
have perfectly...

158
00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:33,140
Normal operation.

159
00:07:33,270 --> 00:07:36,829
Don't tell me there wasn't any panic
down there. Even I felt it and I was

160
00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:37,880
unconscious.

161
00:07:37,881 --> 00:07:40,529
Good Lord, King, it's... There you go
again.

162
00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:41,809
What? You've done it again.

163
00:07:41,810 --> 00:07:42,309
Done what?

164
00:07:42,310 --> 00:07:43,360
Good Lord.

165
00:07:43,390 --> 00:07:47,729
Isn't that primitive man's cry for help,
Doctor? An appeal to a higher power

166
00:07:47,730 --> 00:07:48,609
than ourselves?

167
00:07:48,610 --> 00:07:51,209
No, it is not, King. As a matter of
fact, I'm an agnostic.

168
00:07:51,210 --> 00:07:52,770
An agnostic? I didn't know that.

169
00:07:53,030 --> 00:07:55,320
You mean you don't believe anything
either?

170
00:07:56,090 --> 00:07:58,320
Blimey. It's a wonder I pulled through
at all.

171
00:07:58,321 --> 00:08:03,819
Are you sure you're an agnostic? Yes,
will you please be quiet? I'm trying to

172
00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:05,080
carry out an examination.

173
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,230
Sorry, Doctor.

174
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,090
You know, I've been thinking about
what's happened to me.

175
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,880
I think it might be a punishment.

176
00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:17,610
You think it's a punishment, Figures?
It's not exactly roses for me.

177
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,200
A punishment for a wasted life.

178
00:08:20,201 --> 00:08:23,599
It is not a punishment, Figures. You're
in here because you've eaten too many

179
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,160
fried meals, too many meals out of
newspapers, snatched too many

180
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,580
smoked too many cigarettes.

181
00:08:28,910 --> 00:08:30,170
And it's certainly right.

182
00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:33,490
Do you believe in an angry God, Doctor?
No, I do not.

183
00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:38,389
You mean you think he's benign? Yes, I
think he's benign. I think that's why he

184
00:08:38,390 --> 00:08:42,510
intervened. I think I've been saved, but
I don't know for what purpose.

185
00:08:42,770 --> 00:08:43,970
Neither do I think it.

186
00:08:43,971 --> 00:08:47,429
Though I take it from your conversation
that the vicar's been in again.

187
00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:51,089
I must say I don't like the easel which
converts my patience to the distinct

188
00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:52,140
lack of confidence.

189
00:08:52,141 --> 00:08:56,039
Why do we have to pick up a scalper when
they're preparing for the hereafter?

190
00:08:56,040 --> 00:09:00,000
It's not that, Doctor. It's just being
in hospital. It gives you time to think,

191
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,000
to wonder what it's all about.

192
00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:04,040
Perhaps I'm being tested.

193
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,160
Strength through suffering.

194
00:09:06,161 --> 00:09:09,019
You're suffering? Good heavens, what
about me? You've done it again.

195
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:11,670
What? Good heavens, and you say you're
an agnostic?

196
00:09:21,871 --> 00:09:23,879
Looking for Norman.

197
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,410
I think he's in the day room. I'll look
him out, then.

198
00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:29,020
No, don't go, Vic. I wonder if I could
have a word.

199
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,200
Yes. There's something I'd like to know.

200
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,360
Yes, certainly, Figgis. What is it?

201
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:37,380
What's it like up there?

202
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:39,720
Do you mean in maternity?

203
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,040
No, I mean in heaven.

204
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:45,720
Heaven? Yes.

205
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:48,220
I've often wondered that myself.

206
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:49,860
You mean you don't know?

207
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,010
Well, not really.

208
00:09:51,011 --> 00:09:53,779
Well, that's not very good, is it? I
mean, you're the one who's recommending

209
00:09:53,780 --> 00:09:54,639
all to go.

210
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,350
Well, how would I know, Figgis? I've
never been there.

211
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,080
We had a travel agent like you once.

212
00:09:59,081 --> 00:10:04,119
He recommended this marvellous holiday
in Spain, and when we got there, the

213
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,260
hotel wasn't finished.

214
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,050
Figgis, don't worry.

215
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,480
Heaven is wonderful in paradise.

216
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,430
That's what he said. We came back on the
Wednesday.

217
00:10:13,431 --> 00:10:17,959
I don't think you'll be able to do that,
Figgis. Well, then you ought to know

218
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,239
what it's like. I mean, you should have
some idea.

219
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:25,309
Now, Figgis, Don't worry. Have faith and
all will be revealed at the proper

220
00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:26,360
time.

221
00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:30,170
What's hell like, then?

222
00:10:32,610 --> 00:10:36,730
Well, I'm not totally certain about that
either.

223
00:10:36,731 --> 00:10:39,529
You don't seem to be sure about
anything, do you?

224
00:10:39,530 --> 00:10:42,780
But if I asked you the England batting
averages, you'd know them.

225
00:10:43,130 --> 00:10:47,750
Well, I've often thought that hell is
being denied heaven.

226
00:10:51,380 --> 00:10:54,150
You mean something like the National
Health Service?

227
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,040
Not exactly. Tell me, is anything
troubling you, Figgis?

228
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:02,920
Well, yes, there is, as a matter of
fact, Vicar. You see, I've got this

229
00:11:02,921 --> 00:11:06,139
and he hasn't had his child christened,
and it's beginning to worry him.

230
00:11:06,140 --> 00:11:10,519
Now, what I want to know, well, what
this friend of mine wants to know is, if

231
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,860
anything happened, would he go to
heaven? I would say that every hope,

232
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,820
Remember, our Lord said, suffer the
little children to come unto me.

233
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:20,470
Yes.

234
00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:21,990
So you think he'd get in?

235
00:11:22,210 --> 00:11:29,029
Well, I'm not saying that he won't get
in, but I do think it would help

236
00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,130
if he was a member.

237
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:36,850
I see. Well, I'll tell my friend that.
Thank you. See you later, Fitz.

238
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:40,990
There he goes, the last of the great
evangelists.

239
00:11:43,610 --> 00:11:45,210
Ah, there you are, Norman.

240
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:50,250
Now, what can I do for you? Well, I'm
thinking of getting married.

241
00:11:50,650 --> 00:11:53,050
Oh, congratulations, Norman.

242
00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:56,930
I'm delighted for you. And I was
wondering if you could give me some

243
00:11:57,230 --> 00:12:02,849
Advice? Well, I don't think I'm quite
the right person to go into bat on this

244
00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:03,669
one, you know.

245
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:07,829
I'm not a married man and I don't speak
from experience, but I've always thought

246
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:13,589
that marriage is a sort of partnership.
It's based on mutual understanding and

247
00:12:13,590 --> 00:12:16,370
trust. The sort of partnership of,
say...

248
00:12:17,099 --> 00:12:18,160
Hobbs and Sutcliffe.

249
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,620
I'm not talking about cricket. I'm
talking about the wedding. Oh, the

250
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:26,819
Yes, well, of course, we'll have to have
the hymns and then the bands must be

251
00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:31,660
read. Do we have to have the bands read?
Only I don't want my mother to know.

252
00:12:31,661 --> 00:12:35,979
Norman, you're not thinking of getting
married without the knowledge of your

253
00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:37,499
mother, without her being there.

254
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:40,479
If my mother's there, I can choose the
hymns now. Fight the good fight,

255
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:41,680
by rescue the perishing.

256
00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:47,499
Norman, don't worry. Before we do any
more, I'll have a... tactful word with

257
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,699
your mother. No one's ever been able to
have a tactful word with my mother.

258
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:54,550
Mind you, if you told her in church, at
least you'd be able to claim sanctuary.

259
00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:57,630
Don't you worry. Leave it with me,
Norman.

260
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,810
Oh, there was one other thing, only it's
rather confidential.

261
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,920
It's about a christening.

262
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,680
A christening?

263
00:13:06,681 --> 00:13:10,179
Yes, I can't say any more at the moment
because I'm speaking on behalf of a

264
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,230
friend.

265
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:13,070
A friend?

266
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,080
Yes, I see. You won't say anything?

267
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:20,000
No, your secret's quite safe with me.
Only it's been left rather late. Yes,

268
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,110
I understand.

269
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:26,979
What? Now, Figgis told me in strictest
confidence, of course, the church is

270
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:31,019
understanding than you think about these
things, Norman. I know that life can

271
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:36,159
tab up a few bunkers from time to time,
but why don't we have a discreet little

272
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,920
ceremony down in the chapel, say,
Wednesday?

273
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,960
Yes, I think, as soon as possible.

274
00:13:40,961 --> 00:13:44,409
Norman, you know, I'm delighted you're
getting married.

275
00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:48,330
It's good to see a young man shouldering
his responsibilities.

276
00:13:53,870 --> 00:13:58,309
Well, it won't be long now, Roy. Keep
your voice down. I don't want everyone

277
00:13:58,310 --> 00:14:02,369
know. I feel ridiculous enough as it is.
Now, are you sure he said it would be

278
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:05,769
all right? Don't worry. It's going to be
a discreet little ceremony down in the

279
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:08,300
chapel. Have you decided on your new
name yet, Roy?

280
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:10,490
Well, I had thought of one.

281
00:14:11,020 --> 00:14:13,020
You won't laugh? No, of course not.

282
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:17,740
Well, I thought, since I'm making a new
beginning, I'd call myself Brand.

283
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,250
Brand.

284
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:21,300
I knew you'd laugh.

285
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:26,079
No. No, I think it's a good idea. You've
heard of Malcolm X. You could be Brand

286
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,130
X.

287
00:14:27,131 --> 00:14:31,999
Well, at least it's better than
Archibald. What's wrong with Archibald?

288
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,710
foppish. That's what's wrong with it.
It's not foppish.

289
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:36,200
It means truly brave.

290
00:14:36,201 --> 00:14:39,339
Oh, does it? By the way, you behave
sometimes. You ought to change it to

291
00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:40,390
frightened.

292
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,260
Norman means man of the north.

293
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,090
You're not a man of the north. You come
from Watford.

294
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,500
It's hardly a romantic name, is it?

295
00:14:47,501 --> 00:14:50,199
Norman? I don't think I'd like to be
called Norman.

296
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,120
No, I always wanted to be called Gerard.

297
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,360
Gerard? Yes, it's old German. It means
hard spear.

298
00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:56,790
Does it?

299
00:14:56,791 --> 00:15:02,359
You never know where you are with names.
I mean, years ago, you had Rudolph

300
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,770
Valentino, so your parents called you
Rudolph.

301
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:09,300
So there you are, a heroic star of the
celluloid screen.

302
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:12,510
Thirty years later, you're a red -nosed
reindeer.

303
00:15:13,630 --> 00:15:16,280
I think I'll stick to my own two names.
It's much safer.

304
00:15:16,370 --> 00:15:18,960
Good. Now, what have you decided about
godparents?

305
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:22,129
Godparents? I didn't know I had to have
godparents. Oh, yes, he's insisting on

306
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,529
it. Well, where am I going to find
godparents? Well, I'll be one, Fig. You

307
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:28,729
be a godparent. You're younger than I
am. No, they like them young, and we'll

308
00:15:28,730 --> 00:15:31,189
need another one. Now, what about you,
Archie? Me?

309
00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:32,930
No, I'd rather you ask someone else.

310
00:15:34,110 --> 00:15:38,149
Oh, I suppose I'm not good enough for
you. No, no, it's not that, Roy. I'd be

311
00:15:38,150 --> 00:15:42,189
really proud to be your godfather. It's
just that I'm not in a state of grace at

312
00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:43,240
the moment.

313
00:15:43,241 --> 00:15:44,239
Oh, yes.

314
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,890
What have you done, Archie? I can't tell
you, Norman.

315
00:15:46,891 --> 00:15:48,919
It's something between me and my
conscience.

316
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:50,540
Something from your murky past?

317
00:15:50,541 --> 00:15:54,199
I know. You seduced the housemaid and
sacked her on Christmas Eve without

318
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,250
references.

319
00:15:56,140 --> 00:15:57,190
Don't be ridiculous.

320
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,970
No, it's much more recent than that.
What, in here? How did you manage that?

321
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,900
It's not that big midwife, is it?

322
00:16:02,901 --> 00:16:05,999
Certainly not. No, it's just that I've
done something I'm not very proud of and

323
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,879
I'd prefer it if you are common health.
A decent, clean living type. We won't

324
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,500
find anyone like that round here.

325
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,140
Besides, to err is human.

326
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:16,780
To forgive, divine.

327
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,000
Roy's right, Archie. Do you think so?

328
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:22,950
Yes. Besides, I'm an early. I've got to
take what I can get. Now, are you ready?

329
00:16:22,951 --> 00:16:26,379
No, I don't want any fuss. Just a casual
walk down there. Now, you haven't told

330
00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:29,439
anyone, have you? Of course, I just want
to go in there, get it over and get

331
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,020
out. A nice, quiet ceremony.

332
00:16:46,890 --> 00:16:47,940
Yes, Vicar.

333
00:16:48,690 --> 00:16:53,209
I'm delighted to see so many gathered
together to witness this truly happy

334
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:59,670
event, the bringing of our little lost
lamb back into the folds of the church.

335
00:17:00,330 --> 00:17:01,910
What are the names, Norman?

336
00:17:02,530 --> 00:17:05,050
Royston James, Vicar. Royston James.

337
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:11,348
Delightful. I'd like to remind you all
that this is a christening, and I don't

338
00:17:11,349 --> 00:17:14,130
want you to worry if Royston James...

339
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:21,318
doesn't behave himself or makes a lot of
noise this is a joyful occasion

340
00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:28,179
and a time for rejoicing now would one
of the godparents take royston

341
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,780
james in his arms

342
00:17:56,140 --> 00:17:58,970
isn't it, Archie? I know. I'm going down
there in a minute.

343
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:00,660
I'm just studying form.

344
00:18:00,661 --> 00:18:04,839
What's the matter with you, Figgis?
Nothing.

345
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:09,060
As the dog returneth to his vomit, so
the fool returneth to his folly.

346
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,560
Yuck. Proverbs 26, verse 11.

347
00:18:11,561 --> 00:18:14,519
How would you like a punch on the nose?
You can't do that, Archie. Well, he

348
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,259
called me a fool. He was only trying to
help you. Well, you tell him to stop

349
00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:21,219
quoting the Bible at me. Well, calm
down. Calm down? They are drunken, but

350
00:18:21,220 --> 00:18:23,960
with wine. Isaiah 29, verse 9. He's at
it again.

351
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,350
Archie.

352
00:18:26,350 --> 00:18:27,710
No, don't stop him, Norman.

353
00:18:27,711 --> 00:18:31,789
After all, I wouldn't be the first
person to be martyred for my beliefs.

354
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:33,849
You know, he's been like that ever since
the christening. He's certainly

355
00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:37,640
changed. Of course I've changed. I've
undergone a deep mystical experience.

356
00:18:37,641 --> 00:18:39,029
Well, don't inflict it on us.

357
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:42,669
I'm only trying to save you from
yourself, Archie. I don't want to be

358
00:18:42,670 --> 00:18:43,429
know that.

359
00:18:43,430 --> 00:18:46,920
If it hadn't been for you, we could have
had a Bible study class in here.

360
00:18:47,510 --> 00:18:50,630
Norman was agreeable, but no, you prefer
the racing section.

361
00:18:51,550 --> 00:18:52,930
Gambling's a curse, Archie.

362
00:18:52,931 --> 00:18:55,819
Look, would you save your sermons for
Sundays, Figgis?

363
00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:59,370
Archie, religion isn't just for one day
a week. It's with us all the time.

364
00:18:59,371 --> 00:19:03,019
Let's make every day Sunday, Archie.
Well, I wouldn't like that. There's no

365
00:19:03,020 --> 00:19:04,070
racing on Sundays.

366
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,840
You see, it's an obsession.

367
00:19:05,841 --> 00:19:08,819
Well, I'm not the only one with an
obsession. Just because you've joined

368
00:19:08,820 --> 00:19:12,279
church, there's no need to get so
puritanical. Where are you going,

369
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,999
going to watch the racing. I'll say a
prayer for you. Well, while you're at

370
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,010
would you say one for Lester Figgis?
I've got my shirt on him.

371
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,260
Norman? Not just now, Roy. I've got 5p
on him as well.

372
00:19:27,191 --> 00:19:28,599
What

373
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:36,139
are

374
00:19:36,140 --> 00:19:38,219
you looking at, Figgis? I'm looking at
you, Gupta.

375
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,980
Why don't you give it up? What?

376
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,050
This worship of Kali, goddess of death
and destruction.

377
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,820
Why don't you join us, brother?

378
00:19:44,821 --> 00:19:46,939
I don't wish to join you, because I am
Hindu.

379
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,290
I know, but it doesn't work over here,
does it?

380
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,760
It's too cold for ritual bathing for a
staff.

381
00:19:52,220 --> 00:19:56,199
And you can't float a funeral pyre down
the Thames. They tried it. The

382
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,880
waterboard were on them in a flash.

383
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,630
It might be all right for Mother Ganges,
but not below Barnes Bridge.

384
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,640
You're living in a Western society.

385
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,620
When was the last time you saw a sacred
cow walking through Woolworths?

386
00:20:09,070 --> 00:20:11,450
It would simplify things for you.

387
00:20:11,850 --> 00:20:12,900
Simplify things?

388
00:20:12,990 --> 00:20:15,280
There is nothing simple about your
religion.

389
00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:19,109
You have Protestants and Catholics,
Baptists, Wesleyans, Methodists,

390
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:20,609
Quakers. Everyone is different.

391
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:21,189
Ah, yes.

392
00:20:21,190 --> 00:20:23,390
But we all wear crash helmets, don't we?

393
00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:28,830
I wear a crash helmet. You see, you're
halfway there already.

394
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,440
Please stop trying to convert me,
figures.

395
00:20:35,910 --> 00:20:39,979
And how are we... day figures. Not so
good, Doctor. I'm still not right down

396
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:41,300
here, but I don't complain.

397
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,240
These things were sent to try us.

398
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:47,230
I don't understand it. I'm glad you have
the courage to admit that, Doctor.

399
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,980
Should we confer with a higher power?

400
00:20:49,981 --> 00:20:51,899
What do you mean, bring in the
consultant?

401
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,920
In a manner of speaking, should we try a
prayer, Doctor?

402
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,279
What, here?

403
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:56,939
Why not?

404
00:20:56,940 --> 00:21:00,039
What are the patients going to think if
I start kneeling by their bedside and

405
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,090
praying for them?

406
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:02,980
Send them into a blind panic.

407
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,280
I've got news for you, Doctor.

408
00:21:05,770 --> 00:21:07,110
They are in a blind country.

409
00:21:08,510 --> 00:21:10,510
It might improve your success rate.

410
00:21:10,511 --> 00:21:13,969
There's nothing wrong with my success
rate, Figgis. You've only been a

411
00:21:13,970 --> 00:21:16,409
practicing Christian for five minutes,
and already you're more trouble than

412
00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:17,460
tighty -toots.

413
00:21:17,461 --> 00:21:20,009
I think I preferred you when you were a
communist.

414
00:21:20,010 --> 00:21:22,169
Getting through to you, am I? Feeling
remorse?

415
00:21:22,170 --> 00:21:25,929
No, I am not feeling remorse, Figgis.
I'm delighted you've found consolation

416
00:21:25,930 --> 00:21:28,820
religion. You've got a very delicate
balance to keep here.

417
00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:32,330
Hindu, Muslim, Christian. I don't want
you starting a crusade.

418
00:21:33,070 --> 00:21:36,140
What ever happened to quiet meditation
and silent witness?

419
00:21:36,141 --> 00:21:39,629
But why be silent about it, Doctor? If
the trumpet shall make an uncertain

420
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:43,910
sound, who shall prepare himself for
battle? Corinthians 14, verse 8.

421
00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:48,249
Battle? There's not going to be a
battle, is there, Figgis? I won't have

422
00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:50,809
won't have you upsetting the smooth
running of this hospital.

423
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,129
Now, we're all perfectly prepared to
respect your views.

424
00:21:53,130 --> 00:21:55,409
Why can't you respect other people's
views?

425
00:21:55,410 --> 00:21:58,180
I blame the Church for most of the
trouble in this world.

426
00:21:58,370 --> 00:22:02,010
I'd like to take all the care to... Oh,
hello, Figgis.

427
00:22:02,011 --> 00:22:03,999
Lovely day.

428
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,620
Yes. Could I have a word with you,
please, Doctor?

429
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,050
Certainly.

430
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,410
What is it? I think your
excommunication's come through.

431
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,420
What's the matter, Archie?

432
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:22,940
Nothing. Oh, come on.

433
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:27,619
Something's troubling you. What is it,
old son? You can't help me, Figgis. No

434
00:22:27,620 --> 00:22:28,670
one can.

435
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:33,870
I've lost a lot. Well, never mind,
Archie. You've been broke before.

436
00:22:34,390 --> 00:22:35,510
It's not just that.

437
00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:40,670
I've done something I'm ashamed of, Fig.
I thought so.

438
00:22:41,050 --> 00:22:45,390
Well, I've got good news for you,
Archie. Blessed is the sinner who

439
00:22:46,010 --> 00:22:47,730
Come on now, tell me what it is.

440
00:22:49,370 --> 00:22:53,889
I can't. Why not? Remember, confession
is good for the soul. Come on now, you

441
00:22:53,890 --> 00:22:54,940
can tell me.

442
00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:57,750
Well, what happened?

443
00:22:59,150 --> 00:23:00,200
Come on.

444
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,370
You'll feel better.

445
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:07,920
Well, you remember that winning raffle
ticket, Roy?

446
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:11,680
It wasn't mine.

447
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,040
So that's it.

448
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:22,119
Yes. I didn't realise at first, and then
it was too late, and now I've spent the

449
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,240
lot. Whose ticket was it, then? Yours,
Roy.

450
00:23:24,541 --> 00:23:31,889
Well, I didn't know how to tell you. I'm
not surprised, you crafty conniving

451
00:23:31,890 --> 00:23:35,289
her, but you've had my 25 quid and spent
it. No, what about the sinner who

452
00:23:35,290 --> 00:23:37,170
repented? What about my 25 quid?

453
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,300
Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

454
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,680
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

455
00:24:01,020 --> 00:24:05,320
I know I am, I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y.

456
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,660
Oh yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

457
00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:13,940
Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm
sure I am.

458
00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:18,900
Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y. H -A -P -P -Y.
Only when I laugh.

459
00:24:19,411 --> 00:24:21,509
H -A -P -P -Y.

460
00:24:21,510 --> 00:24:26,060
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